karismar

Sundays have always been a difficult day for me. So many very bad memories from my evangelical christian upbringing smack me in gut every so often, and always on a Sunday. Each Sunday held little chance of any happiness but always a sense of doom. I was always fearful of dying from the rapture and going to hell as this was their tactic……fear.  Placing fear in others gave them power and control over me as I was too god damn afraid to do anything other than what they said. This fear stayed with me well into my early 20’s until the birth of my first child. It was then that I began to see that somewhere was an escape from it all. I had already left the church but I’m talking about that power that they still had over my emotions and mind. It wasn’t until my late 30’s that I found the mental escape completely without the guilt.  Now at 40 I have found a wonderful therapist who is helping me dig out from the fallout from it all and from my horrid childhood and presenting the church and my parents to me in the true light that they are……absolutely wretched. It’s really a welcome relief to me and she has given me so many answers to "why".  I spoke of my pagan pulling and desires, even as a very young child and she told me it was my pagan soul that saved my life as I should not have come out my childhood in one piece. As I’ve nurtured this life I have I’ve noticed my sad Sundays have turned into something entirely different filled with beautiful moments with my family, long sloppy mornings pouring over coffee and newspapers and days filled with movies, good books and laughter.  Often our best of friends stop over and enjoy a bottle of wine with us and sometimes it’s strolling through the neighborhood. The beauty of life is the recovery that it offers.